Woman: Honey, could you check the transmitter fluid in my car? I hope it is not leaking any more.
Man: The transmitter fluid looks fine. Your coolant is low though. Have you noticed if the car is overheating? Actually, do you have a gauge or just an idiot light?
Woman: (Staring at the man, puzzled, stunned, shocked by the question) ….
Man: (Defeated) What are you, a woman?!!
Woman: So much to do. A~~~. I cannot get all of them done before we go out of the town tomorrow!
Man: It’s easy. Just take the laptop and work in the car.
Woman: No. I will get dizzy and puke in the car.
Man: We will take your car then.
Woman: You! You cannot always be so immediate-solution based! It’s like when someone says “I am gonna die on the way there”, you reply “we will drive a hearse there then.
Man: … (pause, think) Come think of it, it’s a really good idea.
Woman: @#%$^&^!! You sleep in the garage tonight! With No AC!
The end of a work day:
Man: Ah… I am so tired. I made the typical mistake again! I told people I will be there after the last appointment but I forgot to put in my damn phone! Guess what, I forgot all about it! I got home thinking I could work more but I fell asleep. Then it is midnight and I started working on Al’s PC only to realize that I don’t have his password! I am suppose to return the machine to him tomorrow morning. Well, I cannot even call him now!
Woman: I didn’t get enough done either. I got into this artsy emotional mood that I couldn’t concentrate on work. Then at 10pm, I notice I have a doctor’s appoint tomorrow morning!
Man: I need to call Al, Bob, Charley first thing tomorrow morning. Then stop by the bank, the post office, and …. (extremely distraught) I don’t even have gas in my car…
Woman: Oh, stop whining! There are gas stations everywhere. In fact, there is one right outside of the neighborhood. (Pause) (crying) I don’t even have lunch for tomorrow!
“There is always a great woman behind every successful man.”
Well, in the household, you can also rephrase that as:
“There is always a great man behind every wonderful chef.”
Which means, you cook, I clean. You cook all the wonderful, delicious food, while splashing water on yourself, dropping chunks of food on the floor, holding the lid upside down and letting the water dripping down to the counter……and I will clean after you on every move… Together, we create a kingdom of glorious food and speckless kitchen (well, at least not as messy as it could be)
The ultimate defense is: cooking is a battle! Ever seen American Chef? Do you know how many things he needs to be planing and checking at the same time? If you nag behind the chef and tell him to clean up on every move, he will, without doubt, use his big fry pan to knock you out of the way.
Woman: “You are every where in my dream”
Man: “Oh, crap!”
Man is sentenced to sleep on the couch.
———————–
The underline chain of thoughts were:
Woman: “You are every where in my dream”
Man just thought of the stuff he needed to go through in his car and re-organize for tomorrow’s work. He realized that he forgot something very important.
Man: “Oh, crap!”
—————————
This is called perfect comedy timing.
Sexy actress comes home from a day of shooting with an ice cream cone from the set. She is still excited. “My ice cream scene was so good that after the shooting the crew couldn’t wait to finish off the whole box of ice cream! And …” She notices that the husband’s attention is only on the ice cream instead of her speech. She grabs the ice cream cone from her husband. “Let me show you the way I was eating the ice cream. I was totally focused on the ice cream, taking little bites like this…” The husband takes the ice cream cone back from her “I got you. It was good. But I want to eat the ice cream”. Sexy actress feels defeated. She tries to get the ice cream back. “Let me show you more”. The husband walks away. “No, I don’t need to see more. I just want to eat the ice cream”.
So now the scene is the actress chasing after her husband, yelling “Give me the cone.. Let me show you my sexy ice cream eating moves…” The husband running and dodging “You are just being greedy and wanting another bite of my ice cream. You’ve had enough. It’s my turn…” And they run around and around the couch…
Well, this scene is not elegant. Definitely not sexy.
Turn Off the Light
“You left the garage light on. Lazy butt”
“Turn it off then, lazy butt”
“But you left it on, lazy butt”
“You are right by the door. You turn it off, lazy butt”
“But it is your responsibility. Lazy butt”
“Whatever. Lazy butt”
=_=’
————————-
That’s concludes another classic pointless conversion.
Next Lifetime
“Let’s not say ‘Till Death Do Us Apart’, we should die together”
“Well, next lifetime I want to be a man instead. So I don’t think you can be with me anymore…. unless you turn into a woman”.
“That’s easy. I can just be born into a murderer and murder you early on when you are still an infant. Then you can be a woman again the lifetime after that. ”
=_=
Choice
“OK. Here is THE question again. Where are we going for lunch?”
“I don’t know. Give me some suggestions. ”
“You know I always like burgers.”
“It’s bad for you. No!”
“What about subs? That’s light.”
“I don’t like subs. Too simple.”
“Ale house? They have a nice and big menu.”
“Too slow, too expensive! Plus, I’m tired of all that American food.”
“What about Chinese food?”
“Chinese restaurants in this town don’t serve real Chinese food. I don’t want it.”
“Japanese? Sushi?”
“Last thing I want is little clump of expensive rice plus tiny chunk of cold fish on a winter day”
“Well….. do you have any suggestions”
“… I don’t know ~~~ …”
“Well, give me some thing, please”
“… At this point, I am afraid if I suggest anything, you will accept it”
“What’s wrong with that? Won’t that be great!?”
“But I haven’t made up my mind yet. ”
Other people’s lunch choice
“Honey, where do you want to go for lunch?”
“Just pick a place and let’s go! Don’t bother me asking me. I am busy!”
Going out
Woman: (dressing for going out) “You know, I could wear a mini skirt today. But I am not going to.”
Man: “Why do you torture me by telling me that?”
Woman: “Well, I am willing to wear a mini skirt to please you. I just choose not to today.”
Man:
Get up on a Sunday morning
”We should get up…”
“… Define ‘we’. Do you mean I should get up or you should get up”
“Well, it means I am getting up to get some water to drink then I will lie back down. Then you get up. That defines ‘we get up’.”
=_=